Calls to me throughout the day, see the feathers fly.

It's never good when someone begins seriously comparing themselves to George Oscar Bluth. Never good, but alas, that's where I'm finding myself. Sitting and wondering and maybe stress-eating (maybe) about the fact that perhaps I've made a huge mistake.

Last month, after returning from a blissful trip to the south with my BFF, I decided that I was going to quit my job. At the time I made this decision, I had decided to move back to Texas to work for my stepdad, help take care of my Nana, help my mom start up her bakery and dog boutique, generally just spend more time with my family, and buy a house for a heckuva lot less money than I ever could here. (I've seriously given up on the idea of owning real estate in California.) I'd try my hand at developing projects on my own terms from my less-expensive home with my new doxle sitting on one side of me and Mr. Rubble on the other. It was going to be great.

I walked in the day I returned to the office and told my bosses that I would not be working there after September 23 of this year. It felt amazing. It felt better than amazing. I was ready to do the Dr. Benton victory air punch, followed by a rousing ten minutes of continuous Kermit arms. After that, I called my parents and asked if they could help me move back the last weekend of that month. I sent a Facebook message to siblings and extended family to let them know what was about to happen.

And then two days later, I had a near panic attack.

Had I really just committed to moving back home? Suddenly, I began having nightmares about pulling into my mom and stepdad's dirt driveway in the country, getting out of my car and stretching my legs beneath the wide, wide sky and...feeling suffocated. I currently live in an area in which I'm constantly surrounded by people, so it was ironic to think that I was going to feel deprived of oxygen with all of that open space.

(Also ironic? The song "Wide Open Spaces" has always seemed to evoke "moving to the west coast," but, um, there's not a lot of wide open space. At least around here.)

So I talked to the very same bestie and roommate I had just made accept that I was leaving and told her that I was having second thoughts. We decided to move to South Pasadena and have Weasley brought out here (it would be cruel to move Mr. Rubble from the only home he's known at such an advanced age). I'd get a job close to that area so as to eliminate my currently horrible east-west morning commute.

As luck would have it, I actually found a job at KPCC that I thought I was perfectly qualified for and that I'd be amazing at. Given that KPCC is an NPR station, it was kind of a dream job to me. I wrote what I considered to be an amazing, creative cover letter -- probably one of the best things I've ever written -- and I sent it off, convinced I was going to get a call, go in for an interview, and just nail it. Cocky? Maybe, but I had faith. And then the weeks went by and I heard nothing.

I've applied for some other positions -- mainly schools -- and have heard (you guessed it) nothing. And now, with two weeks of gainful employment left, I'm starting to worry. The spot in my left temple and behind my eye is starting to hurt during the day. I'm drinking a lot of Diet Coke again. My stomach is doing that anxious flippy thing. Here's the issue, though...

Actually, 20-second T.O.: Let me just preface what I'm about to talk about with the fact that I realize that I am so incredibly blessed and that there are people out there who would kill for a full-time job. I feel bad for complaining. Honestly. But I feel how I feel and, well, I want to talk about it.

I'm realizing now that I'm going to have to resort to applying for more assistant positions. This is soul-crushing to me. The thought of answering phones for someone again makes me want to cry. Heck, the thought actually made me cry a little while ago. I've been a secretary since I was 16 years old. My first job in high school was as a secretarial assistant at a construction and cabinetry company in my hometown. I earned cash in college by working at the hospital as a unit secretary. After college, I got a sales coordinator job that was actually an assistant to the General Manager and General Sales Manager of a television station, but with the occasional Power Point presentation thrown in. When I got to L.A., I worked at a physician's office and I temped at reception desks all across town. My current job is an assistant position and I've been in it for five years now. I want a "big girl job" making "big girl money." By "big girl money," I mean being able to pay my bills and not worry about how many weeks I'm going to have to save up before I can afford to pay for my plane ticket home for Christmas.

I know, I know. I sound heartless. I'm sorry. Perhaps I needed to see this written out to really see how stupid it sounds.

My point is, though, I have a college degree. I'm paying off the student loans for that college degree. I am 32 years old and I would like to feel like something other than a career assistant.

My ideal job is a 40-hour-a-week job making $50,000 a year. (For those of you playing back home, that's the equivalent of $27,000/year in San Angelo, so it's not exactly a mint I'm looking for.) I don't have to place peoples' phone calls for them. I answer my own phone line. I do work in which I feel like I'm using the afore-mentioned college degree that I'm paying off. Also, the word assistant is nowhere in the title. Coordinator? Fine. Manager? Even better. Associate? That's lovely, too.

I'd actually prefer for it to not be in the entertainment realm. Actually, I am pretty sure that job is nowhere to be found in the entertainment realm, so it's a moot point. No, there are so many weird agreements that many companies have you sign and some of them actually say that whatever you work on during the time of your employment belongs to them. Even if you worked on it when you were at home. I don't want to get in to some pee-ing match over a project I want to work on. So, from here on out, I'm my own entity in the world of entertainment.

In the meantime, though, I am two weeks away from being without a paycheck. I'm thankful to have my vacation time reimbursement coming, but I was hoping to build up a rainy day fund. I guess my rainy day just got here a little quicker than expected. And I can't help feeling that it's my own damn fault.

(Even if I don't regret quitting. Not one teensy weensy bit.)

Title brought to you by Cake. Because they know all. NO PHONE NO PHONE. kthxbye